Turmoil

When I started my blog it was a journal purpose for me. And long ago when I was young my journal was a vent for me. I'm feeling a great weight on my shoulders so I'm deciding to write it all down and see if it helps lift a bit for me.
I love the holidays. I love the shows where my children show off their beautiful innocence, I love getting together with family and loved ones, I love the spirit of giving, I love thinking of our saviors entrance into this world of ours.
However they also bring a bit of stress and ache to my heart. Financial stress of course, no big deal it's really an every day thing. The ache to my heart is from missing a part of me. My sweet mother. The more the years go by the more I realize she was an actual part of my being. And though you think the holidays would get easier without her, they seem to get a bit harder.
Especially this year. There has been some great turmoil in our country. A horrible tragedy indeed. Last week there was a shooting at an elementary school in Sandy Hook CT. I know it seems so far away but it really hit my heart, and really bothered me. Then this week there started to be threats at the local high schools, and Lockwood school area. And this was just too close to home. On top of it all there was a big hype about the end of the world on December 21st, 2012 according to the Mayan calendar. I was literally counting down the minutes today till I could pick Teagan up from school.  I was talking to Brandon last night about keeping her home then bringing her in the afternoon for her school party. As our conversation continued there was an outplay if what if something did happen what I would do. And I literally couldn't believe I was having the conversation. A serious conversation about what I would do if someone came into my childs school shooting. And what hurts more is the reality of the idea that it could happen anywhere. It can happen at the mall, the movies, schools, anywhere.
I don't know what it was about my mother. She didn't ever offer life changing advice. Or have all the answers to all my problems. In fact she rarely offered straight advice. But somehow after a phone call with her there was always more peace in my life. Things seemed like they would be ok.
I know Heavenly Father has a great plan for all of us. And in the end it will in fact be ok. I'm just feeling abnormally human right now, and very sensitive. And the reality is its just a bit hard to deal with. And I'm missing my mother to be able to talk to her about it. To talk to her about my girls, and my life, and the other things I've been struggling with. And to talk to her about the things that are making me happy, their sweet little shows, and jokes, and humorous things they've said and done.
And in the middle of all this struggle there really is so much beauty. My sweet girls laughter. A little hug around the calf of my leg. The financial help my photography is starting to offer. A warm home with plenty of food to eat. Friends I've made this past couple years that have offered much needed support and love. Places to go and people to see.
Just a bit torn sometimes I guess. So many good things I am blessed with bringing joy to my heart, but underlying and sometimes overlying sorrow for missing this part of me right now.
I realize worrying and fretting won't change the way of the world, nor will it change my own little world. Or will it change the heart of the evil. I know I need to work on my faith to find peace. I know my Savior is my answer. I love him with all of my heart. I am so thankful for his love, and for this season that we can remember his birth, and celebrate his glory. I hope I can work on this so I prepare my girls for the things their life has ahead of them, because I know for a fact what is ahead will not be easy, and cannot be done without him.